


I will find you again

by bottomlexa (xNaomi)



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, F/F, Flashbacks, Hallucinations, Hurt Clarke, Hurt/Comfort, Minor Octavia Blake/Lincoln, Murder, Nightmares, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Slow Burn, Torture, not only for clarke but for more characters after what happend at mount weather, post-season 2 finale
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-05
Updated: 2016-01-03
Packaged: 2018-04-30 05:01:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,841
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5151263
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xNaomi/pseuds/bottomlexa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After what happend at Mount Weather, Clarke isn't in a good place. She is looking for a way to forgive herself. And her way back to Lexa, but a lot will happen before she makes it there, if she makes it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

She had no place to go after Mount Weather. After two weeks alone in the woods, sleeping on the hard ground with only her jacket to keep her warm, she was tired and hungry but most of all alone. Clarke was scared, not for the people and animals that could hurt her, but for the feelings she had. 

Clarke didn’t know when she started to feel something for The Commander. You can’t feel this way about a woman that left you with no other choice than to kill the boy you loved. Emptiness, that is what Clarke feels eating away inside of her, that hollow place in her heart she will never fill again. The blood of the boy on her hands that she never could wash off. This.. this was on her, she did it, she killed him. 

Clarke walked through the woods. She didn’t feel the wind blow through her hair, didn’t see the beautiful flowers between the trees. 

First she needs to find a place to sleep, because it’s getting darker. The sun is almost gone, but that gives her time to find moss and some leaves to lay on. 

At that moment, she hears footsteps not to far away from her. Clarke pulls out her gun that was tucked away behind her belt, “Is somebody there?” Clarke stuttered, looking around for any movement. She sees a shadow, just behind her. “Hello? Whoever you are, just get the hell away from me or show yourself!” she shouted. The blonde studied the bushes with pinched eyes. 

She hears nothing. No footsteps, no branches breaking, absolutely nothing. She really thought she heard something. Perhaps she is imagining things again, just as she saw Finn after she killed him. "I'm going crazy" she whispered to herself.

After ten minutes, Clarke heard nothing else and decided to look for a place to sleep. She gathered some moss and leaves to make the hard ground softer to lie on. Not that it helped much but it was better than nothing. The blonde chose to lay between two trees with small bushes behind her, to protect her from who or what may have followed her, so they wouldn't be so quick to notice her. She hoped that at least.

She went to sit on her homemade bed, took off her coat, and looked one last time through the now darkening forest. Clarke didn't trust it, she feels like there is someone still looking at her from a distance. She pulls her gun from her belt and keeps it in her hands. No way she was sleeping without it. After maybe half an hour, her eyes begin to fall shut, and falls into a restless dream.

_~  
Screaming, everyone is screaming, people are running everywhere. She doesn’t know what’s happening.. Until she sees a body on the ground just a few steps from where she is standing. It’s a girl, not just a girl.. Clarke knows her, beautiful braided brown hair like Lexa always has. She takes a few steps closer.. it can’t be her… Who did this to her? Questions slipped in Clarke’s mind. Only a step away from the limp body on the floor, she feels terror sweep over herself, she looks down and doesn’t understand.. why are her hands red? Red like..like blood._

_Quickly she takes the last step.. Yes it’s her, the girl who betrayed her, made her kill so many people. But also the girl she loved, and admired.. With gaping wounds in her stomach.. She falls down on her knees, with a hard thud grasping at Lexa’s head. “No..Noo! You can’t die please.. Lexa stay with me!” Clarke said with tears running down her cheeks. Clarke doesn’t even know if The Commander can hear her.._

_Clarke looks around screaming for help.. Nobody is listening, they all keep running away from something. What are they running from? She sees a little girl who looks at her with horror in her eyes. When the girl sees Clarke looking back at her, she turns around and runs away as hard as she can. It’s her? They are afraid of her? But why? She looks down and Lexa is looking at her with pure anger in her eyes. “You did this!!” The Commander spits out.  
~_

Her eyes snap open, her back dripping wet with sweat. Clarke tries to calm herself down. “It was just a dream, everything is okay. Snap out of it Clarke”. 

She tries to get up from the cold ground but she plops back down again. Her head still heavy from her weird and pretty scary dream. Clarke looks around, the only thing she sees are trees where a bit of sun is trying to shine through; the sun is trying hard to get through the leaves of the tall trees. It’s still too dark to continue her journey.

While she tries for a second time to get up, she hears something rustling a few steps away from her. Clarke is frozen in place, she doesn’t know if it’s good choice to make even the slightest sound or movement. 

“We know you’re here Clarke, you can’t run from us.” 

Looking around with her eyes wide from fear, trying to pin point where the strange voice is coming from.

“You can try, but you won’t go far.”

That voice... Slightly irritated and just pure evil. Clarke doesn’t care if they hear her anymore and picks up her gun from the ground, where it fell after she stood up. 

“Who are you? What do you want?” She asked with panic in her voice, trying to aim her gun with shaking hands. 

“Oh you don’t know me sweetheart, but your girlfriend knows who I am.” 

The voice is coming closer, it is now or never. Clarke picks up her jacket and runs as hard as she can. 

Her lungs fighting for air, her legs going slower, every step she takes hurts more than the last one. 

She can't stop. They are not far behind. Chasing her every move, she can't hide, there is no way out of this. This is it. The last living moments of Clarke Griffin.


	2. Chapter 2

She was running and the next moment everything went black. 

Clarke felt the panic rise in her body, she couldn’t see anything, someone put their hands over her eyes to prevent her from looking, she didn’t know why.

Who is it? Did they catch her? 

Clarke's panic turned into anger. She needs to get free, and she won't give up until she is. Lashing her arms and legs out, she tried to kick and punch the person who was holding her and the one covering her eyes. 

She punched one of them, she didn't know where but right after the blow she gave one of them, she heard a pained noise. The unknown person said something to her.

“Clarke please stop, we are only trying to help you!”

Clarke knows that voice. “Octavia is that you?” Clarke stuttered out.

“Yes! It's me you dumbass” Octavia answered. “Now shut up and keep your head down, they’re still here.” 

“Alright, but can one of you remove your hand, I want to see what is happening.” The blonde suggested.

After a few seconds, she felt the light pressure on her eyes disappear and she opened her eyes a little but closed them immediately. The sun was too strong to open her eyes just yet. 

“Why are you even here Octavia? You need to be in Camp Jaha. Bellamy can’t do it on his own.” Clarke asked worriedly.

“He will be okay Clarke.” The dark haired girl answered. “You can open your eyes now Princess.”

Clarke opened her eyes, she could handle the strong light from the sun better now. On her right was Octavia, still completely in grounder clothing. On her right was another person. It was Lincoln, of course. He wouldn’t have let Octavia go on her own.

“Hey, are you feeling okay?” Lincoln asked with concern written all over his face.

“Yeah I’m fine.” Clarke replied. She wasn’t fine, her head hurts. It feels like she ran into a brick wall. “And stop looking at me like that.” She snapped.

They both looked away immediately and Clarke didn't even feel guilty about falling onto them. Why are they even here?! They followed her. Of course they did. 

Clarke is looking at Octavia and she asked the other girl: “Why didn't you guys just stay at the camp?” 

Octavia turns back around and looks at Clarke with fire in her eyes. “Because WE don't leave people behind Clarke.” Octavia spits out. 

Clarke looks at Octavia with eyes full of shock. “I’m sorry... I...I didn’t know what to do...” Clarke stutters, tears running down her cheeks. This is the first time she cried in 3 weeks. She couldn’t cry before, but now she can’t stop. Tears keep running down her cheeks, and she can’t breathe. “I... I just... want... wanted to make it better..” The blonde haired girl sobbed out. 

Octavia looked at her and moved to sit right in front of the heavy sobbing girl. Clarke's body shook every time she needed to take a breath. 

Octavia grabs one of Clarke's hands and with a voice full of worry she commanded. “Clarke look at me.” “Hey... Just look at me.” 

Clarke looks through watery eyes at the dark haired girl that is trying to comfort her in her breakdown. 

The blonde girl comes forward and takes Octavia in a big and a slightly uncomfortable hug. Clarke's arm are tight around Octavia, not ready to let go quite yet.

Octavia fully embraced the tight arms around her. She hugged Clarke back, feeling how Clarke takes shocking breaths.

Lincoln stays focused on the woods; scanning every movement between the trees, in the trees. Everywhere. They need to be sure they're safe.

The only thing he can think of is getting these girls to Camp Jaha, safe. Lincoln doesn't know what is going on. Something is happening, he feels it and it is not good.

Clarke is feeling too many emotions right now. She is worried sick about everyone, it was her duty to keep them safe. In the end she left them. And for what... because she couldn't cope with things she needed to do for them. But what now?

Bellamy would do a great job in leading them. He was better at that than she ever could be, but Bellamy can't do it on its own. They needed each other to lead all those scared and now also damaged people. 

Then there is Lexa. She wants to hate her, but she can't. Clarke tries and tries but can't hate Lexa for even a tiny bit. 

Clarke understands why Lexa needed to make that choice. She was sure that if she had been in Lexa’s shoes for that moment, she would have definitely made the same choice. 

Clarke gets ripped back to reality when Octavia is shaking her shoulders really hard and screaming her name. 

“Clarke! Clarke! We need to go. NOW!” 

Octavia pulls Clarke on her feet and they run without looking back after Lincoln. 

Lincoln is running a few feet ahead of them and he runs fast. Really fucking fast. Clarke feels that she hadn’t ate enough these last few weeks and her body can't take the running anymore.

Clarke's legs give out beneath her and she falls... head first onto the ground. 

She thinks she lost consciousness... because the next thing she remembers is waking up in a room she remembers.

Clarke blinks her eyes again. Yes she is sure that this is the place they took her right after Anya died, when she was hurt so bad that she didn't feel anything on half her face.

Now she isn't hurt. At least she doesn't feel any pain in her body, so she should be alright. Right? 

Outside the tent Clarke is in, Lincoln and Octavia are having what looks like a fight. 

“No, we need to tell her Lincoln.” Octavia command. “She and Bellamy are the only ones that can save these people here and the clans.” 

“I'm not sure about this Octavia. I'm not sure they will even trust them.” 

“Let me tell them. Both of them.” Octavia begged.

“It's your call. I will go find Bellamy and send him to you.” Lincoln walks away but not before he gives Octavia a kiss on the forehead.

Octavia comes walking into the tent and asked immediately with a concerned voice “How are you doing? Do I need to get you something?”

Clarke tries to sit up from her bed and nods in response “Some water would be nice, thank you.” 

“I'll go get some, be right back.” Octavia answered and walks out the tent to the ark. Or what is left of it.

Clarke sits on her bed and looks around for a second time. 

Nothing has changed since the last time she was here. Everything is exactly the same. Except her. Clarke wasn't the same girl anymore.

She changed so much these last weeks since her mother send her to earth, that girl was long gone. 

After six weeks on earth, she became a murderer who killed countless people. Clarke tries to come up with a number but she doesn't want to know the exact numbers.

Clarke takes a deep breath. She can't be saved. The things she did to keep these people alive. To keep her friends alive. She doesn't even deserve to be saved or forgiven.

Clarke tries to look for her clothes but she can't find them.

“Where are my clothes?” Clarke said to herself when Bellamy comes walking in.

He looks at Clarke and she looks right back at him. He stands there with his hands in his pockets, not moving at all. 

“Lincoln sent me here. He said Octavia needed to talk to us. But I can come back later.” Bellamy said in a neutral voice. 

Clarke really thought he would be mad at her for leaving him. He sounds a little relived.

“No it's okay you can stay. I only need to find my clothes. You didn't see them by any change?” Clarke asked the now worried looking Bellamy.

Bellamy walks to a table on the other side of tent and looks through all the clothes that were left there by people to wash or the ones they lost when the ark came down to earth.

Octavia comes walking back in with a bottle of water. There is not much left from the bottle. The top is gone and there are small holes in it, but not big enough to spill the water.

Octavia gives the bottle to Clarke and when she moves back she takes Clarke's hand in hers and meets her eyes. “I'm glad your back. Don't make us follow you again, okay?” 

“I won't. I promise.” Clarke answered with a big lump in her throat. Clarke feels so much guilt. It was a bad plan, just going away, leaving her friends on their own. Now she sees how selfish that was. She is not the only one hurting.

Clarke takes a glimpse of Bellamy. He looks tired, worn out. Dark circles around his eyes, like he didn't sleep for a month and Clarke is pretty sure that's the case. 

Bellamy comes walking back with what looks like Clarke's clothes. The dark pants and the blue coat in his hands. 

“Here you go.” Bellamy handed the clothes to Clarke but doesn't look her in the eyes. 

“Thanks Bell.” Clarke answered with a small grateful smile on her face. 

Clarke sees what she has done to him. He can't even look her in the eyes anymore. 

Clarke hops off the table she was sitting on, and becomes a little lightheaded. Clarke grabs the table with one hand to keep herself steady. 

While she has a hard time putting her pants on, Bellamy and Octavia are hugging each other a few feet away from her.

When Clarke is almost done with tying her shoes. The two siblings come walking back to her. 

They both have a serious expression mixed with worry on their face. 

Octavia is the first one to talk “Clarke, I need to tell you something. And it's not good news.” 

Clarke stands up straight and is confused. “Uhmm... okay..” 

“When you lost consciousness... We ran into Indra and a couple off her warriors.” Octavia takes a deep breath before bringing the bad news. 

“Lexa is gone. She was leading her men into a fight. And she didn't return. They know she isn't dead. But she is…taken. And they don't know where she is.”

Clarke falls on her knees and starts crying again but this time she can't stop...


	3. Chapter 3

“We need to go to Polis now. I need to find Lincoln. And... and I will bring her back.” Clarke sobs, her voice breaking with every sentence.

Clarke can't break down right now. She needs to make a plan. Lexa needs to be found soon, before everything goes wrong with the clans. We can't have a war starting.

Clarke looks up to Bellamy and Octavia's worried faces.

They don't try to come any closer. She screams at them. Clarke just wants to be alone, she has to figure this out on her own.

At first, Clarke just cried and looked straight forward. She didn't say a word, the only sound were her soft cries and the heavy breathing.

Once she screamed, she completely lost it, banging her hands on the ground until they began bleeding.

Octavia could still hear Clarke's screams echoing in her ears.

“She can't leave me! Not after what she did!” Clarke screams from the top of her lungs.

The screams were pained. Clarke sounded broken, like she just lost a piece of herself. Her soul was being ripped away and she tried to stop it from shredding her apart. She is trying to hold on but the hole in her heart just keeps getting bigger and bigger and destroys everything it can get to.

It's heartbreaking watching someone shatter. It's time this happened, Clarke has had so much pain locked away, she was bound to break eventually. It's clear in her eyes everytime she looks at you, those dark corners in her mind become apparent. She's had too many heartbreaks and they can't be stopped from coming out in the form of tears.

Once she begins to calm down, she hugs herself, like she's trying to stop the dark hole in her chest from growing any bigger.

Octavia gets to her knees right in front of Clarke for the second time today. Bellamy does the same a few seconds later. Clarke needs them and they know it.

Clarke practically falls into their arms and the two siblings just hold her. Clarke takes small breaths, trying to calm herself. Clarke is exhausted from the crying, so she just sits, unable to move. She wants to stay in these warm arms forever.

Clarke can feel herself drifting off and before taking the risk of falling asleep, she moves herself from out of the cacoon that was their arms. Not only warm and safe from her own feelings, but also from the horrible things that await her from outside the camp.

But she needs to pick herself up and fix this. Clarke is the only one that can fix this. She learned a lot of tracking and hunting from Finn that will hopefully help her find the commander.

Clarke sits for a while, trying to muster up the courage to start the long and, probably, the most terrifying trip she has ever made.

“Octavia, I need to talk with Lincoln. He's still here right?” She asked.

Bellamy answers before his sister can respond. “He told me to come to you. He was eating just outside the ark when I was on my way here.”

Clarke nodded, wiping her tears from her eyes and cheeks, she takes a deep breath before she moves to stand up.

This time the dizziness was almost gone. She doesn't need to grab the side of the bed to keep herself steady anymore.

She walks out of the white tent she'd been hiding in. It's time for her to make things right.

Lincoln is still sitting in the same spot Bellamy had said.

Clarke takes place on his left side and sits down on the big tree stump.

“Thanks for saving me. I wasn't very grateful when you guys showed up.” Clarke apologized.

She is nervous about what is coming for her. Maybe the ones that took Lexa want her too.

“Don't worry about it Clarke,” Lincoln replied with a small smile.

“I know you came to do more than apologize,” Lincoln looks at Clarke and knows he can't stop her from going. Going alone as a grounder isn't even safe at all, much less an outsider.

Clarke looks him in the eyes with more confidance than she had a few minutes ago. “I did. I need you to take me to Polis. We have to find her.”

Lincoln nods in agreement. Now that Lexa is gone, the 12 clans will never keep peace with each other. Maybe Clarke can make it right or at least try to keep it from going horribly wrong.

“We'll go at first light tomorrow. Make sure you take enough food with you. And you'll need your gun.” Lincoln advised her.

Clarke nodded, standing up. She puts her hand on his shoulder. “Thank you," she said gratefully, squeezing lightly.

Lincoln smiles and lays his hand on hers. “You're a good leader Clarke. And an even better person. It's time to forgive yourself for what happened.”

Clarke gives him a small smile and walks back to her tent.

\- **_At the same moment:_**

“You will pay for this!” Lexa screams to the people who took her captive.

Lexa's hands and feet are tied. She isn't sitting on a chair, but instead tied to a tree like she had done with Finn, Raven, Gustus and many more.

She now knows how the people she tortured and punished feel.

“I'm going to kill you myself when I get loose!” another angry threat from the now panicked Commander but no one hears her.

The only thing she knows is that she's in a sealed room. It's dark and even if there were light, she wouldn't be able see it, they blindfolded her.

She's lost all concept of time. She doesn't know if these people have had her for a day or a week.

And it worries her. Not only for herself, but for the clans. Are they at war with each other now that the only one keeping the peace has been kidnapped and locked up?

What's worse is that her people don't know where she is, there's no way the can save her.

She needs to escape on her own.

With every pull of the rope, it feels tighter. She's determined to fight until her freedom or death.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you again for reading this, i'm super happy with the 1.000 hits on this fic, and i'm writing many more fics at the moment, so the next chapter can take a while. I'm sorry but i hope to see you at my next fics too, thanks for reading everyone! <3

**Author's Note:**

> Please be nice! This is my first fic, and i'm so nervous to post this.. but if you read this thank you so much! I hope it's good enough for you to read. Lots of love x
> 
> and you can find me on tumblr: [lydsargent](http://lydsargent.tumblr.com/)


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